“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
You Might Also Like
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no