I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
You Might Also Like
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Always…
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I never needed anything more in my life
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?