Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.