The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.