When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*