Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
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The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
All. The. Damn. Time.