Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I want this so bad
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away