People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Great Canadian literature.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
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[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on