In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son