How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
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I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.