i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
You Might Also Like
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
found my next D&D character name
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me driving through Toronto
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
This dude got his own movie?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?