babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My love language is deader than Latin
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Sorry not sorry.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”