me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I already tried new things thanks.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”