Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
brian had himself a morning…
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.