Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
no refunds
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
How software testing works
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol