Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡