When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Only Americans understand
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.