I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
uh oh
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG