Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
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Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest