there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
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A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean