A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate