My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.