How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
*updates tinder bio*
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”