ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
This one’s “Alex”.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.