It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”