We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
You Might Also Like
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor