Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
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[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
mechanics be like
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I think I’ll stand
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.