When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored