I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
girls literally only want one thing..
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
accurate
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?