Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”