Saint West, the patron of selfies
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1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”