extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My work here is done
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
good work, detective
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?