neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
🤣🤣🤣
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.