Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
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Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.