Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.