You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
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[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Those are good neighbors.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)