[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
You Might Also Like
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Made something I’m not proud of
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.