Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
2022: I can fix it
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
#parenting
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.