The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
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[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Just as the prophecy foretold
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…