As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.