ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
that’s really how it is
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice