Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Me, reading some of your tweets
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore