My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I see your IQ test came back negative
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury