i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.