“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.