[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts