High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?