An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
✌🏽
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.