Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
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I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
lol
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.