There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG